Loving Me To Death

Damn! Here he goes again. It's been awhile so I thought he had given up. He's in the kitchen. If I turn over to get the phone, he will hear me. Maybe if I just act like I'm sleep, he won't bother me.

I lie as still as could. I heard him coming down the hallway. In four steps he would be in my bedroom. If I try to get up out of bed and run tothe bathroom, he would catch me. If he didn't catch me, he would knock the door down,then I would have another expense. I open my eyes a little just to see if I could see him. He has something in his hands. I'm too scared to even pray. I wish he would just leave me alone. I don't think he will kill me, but his aim is to make me suffer for trying to divorce him.

"Baby", he whispers in my ear. His breath is hot. He is kneeling beside the bed. I turn over so that my face is away from, pretending that I'm still asleep. He tugs the sheets off of me. I lay there shivering, partially from cold and partially from fear. He strokes my back. I shiver from his touch. He's standing over me now. Sometimes he will break in just to watch me sleep.

He's moving away from the bed. I can't tell what he is doing but he is in my closet. Now I know hwat he has in his hands. It's scissors. He is cutting up clothes. Asshole! I don't know or care what clothes they are as long as he hurries and leaves.

I hate when he comes here. I wish he would just go away. He is undressing. He doesn't have much to take off because he always breaks into my apartment with nothing but his boxers and socks on. A freaking criminal.

He climbs into bed behind me. I turn. "What are you doing here, Kevin?"

"You don't want to see your husband?". He has a big smirk on his face. He knows that I hate him.

"What now?"

"I want to make love to my wife, that's what. "

"No. I want you to leave!"

"Make me leave!" He starts unbuttoning the shirt that I have worn to bed.

"Stop Kevin! Just get out!"

"Shut up, Bitch! I'm not going anywhere!" He snatches the rest of the shirt off of my body as I get out of bed.

He jumps up and wrestles me down to the floor. "Where did you think you were going?" He is too strong. He has his naked body on me. I already know what is going to happen next.

I have learned to not even fight with him anymore. The more I fight, the rougher he is. The first break in, I decided to fight him back. I had to miss work for three days because my eye was swollen and my lip was burst.

I close my eyes and let the tears roll down my face as my husband raped me.

Doing Mr. Wrong While Waiting for Mr. Right Chapter 6

I love my girl, Trina. I love the fact that she's not particular about where we go and what we do together. That's why we are sitting at Red Lobster having lunch. I don't have a problem with Red Lobster either, but Peaches would NEVER eat here. She has very high standards. She only goes to 4 or 5 star restaurants. If she stays in a hotel, the comforter and sheets on the bed have to be light. If they had designs or dark prints, she wouldn't stay there. She only goes to the movies in the premier parts of the city or premier theatres that serve dinner with the movie. She only shops in certain stores and if it doesn't cost over a certain amount, she says that it's not quality, and she won't purchase it. No. I'm not judging Peaches, but it's just good to hang with regular folk sometime.

"You have been extremely preoccupied lately with Marcus and his cousin. I'm surprised you had time to fit me in your busy schedule."
"Don't act like that, Trina". Trina doesn't care for Marcus so his cousin being a "Leech", as she calls her, just adds fuel to the fire.
"I'm just saying. Y'all have been on vacation, you are always hanging out with her, and this getting wasted thing every weekend is new for you. And may I say, it is not a good look".
"Yeah! I know. I told her that I am going to start limiting my drinking to only two drinks when we go out." I am already on my second Sunrise Passion Colada with a Grand Marnier floater.

"I don't know, Leslie, I just don't like the influence she is having over you". I know Trina is serious because she said my whole name. I've been "Les" to Trina since I met here. She was the first person to ever call me that.
"Whoa, Trina. This is me. Nothing has changed. I'm the same ol' me. I'm here. Peaches can never take your place."
Trina gave me a look. "What ? You think I'm jealous of that trifling heifer? Hell to the Nall!"
Trina put her fork down. "I'm trying to look out for you!"
"But that's the thing. You don't have to. I'm a big girl. I can take care of me."
We sit in silence for a few minutes. The silence is awkward. I decide to change the subject.
"So, how's your writing going?" I ask .
Trina is an aspiring writer. She wants to tell her story of how one man changed her entire life. She is passionate about it and I fully support her in her endeavor.
"it's okay. I'm just worried whether anyone would even be interested in what I have to say. Who would I sell this book to? What if I go through the whole process of getting published and it doesn't even sell?"
Now I give Trina a look. I have never heard her doubt herself. She has always been confident in her. Even when her husband was running around while different women, she was confident that he was doing that to appease his own ego because she knew she was the best he ever had! So to hear he talk this "what if" crap, was not cool.
"Ummmm..... Excuse me! When have you ever not had an audience. When have you ever had a problem holding any one's attention. You are Katrina West! Everyone wants to hear what you have to say, just because of who you are." I reach over and grab my friend's hand. "And I can't wait 'til you get published so I can be your personal assistant and when Oprah puts your book on her book club, I can meet her. " We both laugh.

We finish eating and head to the mall. We stroll through the stores, eat pretzels, popcorn, and ice cream. We have massages and end up sitting outside of the bridal store.
"So what is up with you and Marcus? Is he divorced yet?"
Because she doesn't care for him, our conversation about him is very little. But she knows how I feel about him.
"I actually haven't discussed that with him in awhile. We have been so busy doing all the things we couldn't do before that it really doesn't matter?" I regret it before I even get the words out of my mouth.
" It matters and you care."
I shake my head because I do care.
"We are sitting outside of this bridal shop, on the whole other side of the mall where we came in. We didn't stop here by chance. I have a feeling that you end up here every time you come to this mall."
"Yeah, but not because I want to get married. I just like to look at the new designs. I mean I want to get married but when it's my time, with Mr. Right."
"But how are you gonna find Mr. Right as long as you are doing Mr. Wrong?"
Trina continued. " Have you ever thought that as long as you are with Marcus, a married man, that you are stopping yourself for being with a single man that could be just as wonderful as you believe Marcus to be?"
"But...", I started to reply but Trina interrupted me.
"Don't get me wrong, if you believe Marcus is the one for you, then by all means wait on him, if that's what you choose to do. However, Marcus has options with you. He knows that you aren't going anywhere. He's not tyring to get a divorce because right now he has has cake and ice cream, too. Make him choose what's more important."

"I can't do that".
"Why not? You are beautiful, smart, educated Black woman. You are strong and independent. You would be the perfect companion fro any man. But you took your self off the market to be a part-time lover to Marcus, when you can have a man that loves you all the time, unconditionally.
Tell Marcus that you want to date other men since he hasn't found the time to get a divorce. Three years is a long time. He might be blocking your blessing."
Trina got up from the bench. She grabbed my hands and pulled me up. She hugged me right there in the mall. I cried right there on her shoulder.

On the ride home, I thought about what Trina had said. It was true. Every single word. I've given Marcus the best of me, yet he still hadn't given me all of him. I called Peaches and she was staying at a friend's house. I texted Marcus and told him I was cramping. I knew that would keep him away, at least for tonight. When I got home, I got a pint of chocolate chip cookie dough ice cream, took out my favorite tear jerker movies, and cried.

Doing Mr. Wrong While Waiting for Mr. Right Chapter 5

It has been a week since Trina, Malikah, and I performed our stakeout at Marcus's apartment. He has spent every night this week at my place while that whore, whoever she is, is at his place. He hasn't mentioned anything about her and neither have I. Trina has been doing her drive bys to make sure everything is everything at his place. But like I said, he's been here.
It's Friday night. Marcus will usually hag with the boys before he comes here but he called me earlier at work and wants to meet for dinner. This out of the norm so I instantly get nervous. I've been to the bathroom at least three times. I can't decide what to wear. Should I wear something sexy? Or should I wear something casual in case I have to fuck him up? I am going crazy because I don't know why the sudden change. There is one thing about Marcus... He is very detailed oriented. He has a routine. He likes things an exact way. For him to change to change his schedule just for dinner with me means there's something up.

As I enter Carlito's, one of Marcus's favorite Italian restaurants, the hostess escorts me to a table. Obviously Marcus is running late, which is another reason fro me to panic, but I try not to. I order a glass of wine and take out my compact to inspect my lip gloss. I'm interrupted when the hostess brings a woman to my table. It's the woman that was at Marcus's truck that night at the stakeout. I was in shock. I could not move. I'm sure my mouth was open but I couldn't believe that this woman was sitting at the same table as me. Was Marcus playing some kind of game?
She extended her hand to me with a big smile, "Hello, I'm Peaches. You must be Leslie. "
I didn't extend my hand to her. Nor was there a smile on my face. "Yes, I am Leslie. Peaches, is it? Do you have any idea why we are here? Together?"
"Yes, Marcus invited us to meet one another". Peaches replied as she scannned the room. The way she was looking, I just knew that Ashton Kutcher was going to pop out of somewhere and tell em I was being Punk'd or something, but she was only looking for the waitress to order a drink.
Although I was mad as hell, I didn't want to make a scene at the restaurant. Marcus and I visit this restaurant frequently and I respected the fact that we were in a public place and the consequences that would occur if I acted a damn fool, like I really wanted to do. Besides, Peaches didn't seem a bit concerned that Marcus's other woman was having dinner with her. And how the hell did she know my name? That stanking dog has been talking about me to his bitch? I couldn't wait until he walked his ass in here!
Twenty minutes into this very awkward situation and still no Marcus. I tried to avoid contact with Peaches and held no conversation with her at all. Peaches was busy surveying the menu. I couldn't take it anymore. "It was nice meeting you, Peaches, but I'm leaving now".
"Why? Girl, a sista gotta eat. Sit down. Let's get to know each other. We will probably be seeing a lot of each other".
"Excuse me? I don't think so".
"Why not?" Peaches was way too cool about this situation for me.
"Why not? Because I know about you and Marcus. I know you have been staying at his place. I don't know what kind of fucked up, sick ass relationship you and Marcus have, but I don't get down like that. You can have Marcus all to yourself. I already have to share him with his wife and now you?" I grabbed my bag and stood up again. Peaches grabbed my hand.
"You have it all wrong, Leslie. I'm not dating Marcus. He's my cousin, more like my big brother".
I sat down. " Marcus has never mentioned you. "
"Marcus has never mentioned his cousin, Georgia?", Peaches asked. I was really uncomfortable because as I was sitting there she was still touching my arm.
"Yes, but ... Wait, are you her daughter?"
A couple of times, Marcus mentioned a cousin named Georgia to me. He said she was more like a baby sister. Her dad killed her mom when she was around seven or eight and Marcus's family took her in. He said that when she got older, she ran off with some guy and they hadn't heard from her except on holidays or birthdays. They were very close. He protected her and tried to keep her out of trouble, but he said she has a " mischievous spirit".
"I'm Georgia. I changed my name to Peaches. Ain't too many strippers you know named Georgia". She laughed. I chuckled as well. My heart was at rest. I could breathe.

Doing Mr. Wrong While waiting for Mr. Right Chapter 4

Trina, Malikah, and I were parked outside of Marcus's condo. Luckily his apartment had an exterior view so we were able to see into his apartment from where we were parked. It was dark inside, except fro the light from the television. I wasn't too concerned because he always kept the tv on at my place too. Hell, we sleep with it on. His car was not in the parking lot. It was 12:03 a.m.

"Girl, let's just go", I said. We had been sitting there for two hours. I wanted to go back to the bar but Trina said that we might as well stay at his place because he would always return there.
"Hell nall! We waiting right here. He will be here shortly. If he's not here by 3 a.m., that means he's staying at the tramps house.
I looked at my white, Michael Kors watch, with ruby around it. Marcus had given it to me for my birthday last May. It read 2: 27 a.m. My stomach was flip flopping. What if he didn't come home? What if he rolled up with another woman? What was I gonna do? What was I gonna say? How would I react?
"Trina, let's go. Malikah is tired." Malikah had been sleep since we got here. She was snoring and all. Not a good look for a gold digging diva, like herself.
"Just......" Before Trina could finish her sentence, Marcus's navigator pulled up. He was jamming some old school, booty shaking music. When he got out the car, Marcus did a little doo- doo brown move, turned around grabbed his coat and walked to his place.
I laughed. Partly because I had never seen Marcus dance and partly because I was grateful that he was alone.
"Let's go now", I declared. I was pleased with our little stakeout. Marcus was home alone. As we were pulling out of the parking lot, Marcus's door opened.
"I knew it", Trina muttered. She put the car in park. "I'm glad I didn't turn on the lights".
"Well, looky here, who is that at Marcus's truck? It damn sho"ll ain't his mama". Trina smirked.
I turned my head to see a very attractive lady grabbing a small carry-on suitcase and an overnight bag out of the back seat of Marcus's truck.
"so that meant that hussy was in that apartment waiting on him the whole time", Trina blurted.
"What you gonna do, Les?", Malikah asked.
I opened the back door of Malikah's car and threw up. I felt like I was gonna pass out. I was crying and throwing up for about five minutes. By the time I was done, the woman was gone back into the apartment.
My phone was ringing.
"Girl, it's Marcus". I felt like I was gonna heave again.
"Answer it", Trina yelled. "Sound like you're sleep".
"What am I supposed to say"?
"Act like you know nothing." Trina gave me a sip of her water, I took a deep breath and answered.
"Hello". I answered sounding sleepy.

"Awww, my baby sleep. I was gonna come over and cuddle up with you", Marcus sounded so sincere.
"Well, you know I will always make room in my bed for you".
"I will be there in a few". Marcus hung up.

"What the fuck was that about?", Trina asked annoyingly.
"He's on his way to my house".
Marcus was getting into his car with his suit and his small bag he brought whenever he stayed over.
"Well, we gotta beat him there", and with that said, Trina hit the gas.
The whole ride back to my house the three of us bounced the idea of who this woman was. How the hell do you let your man come home and leave right back out at 2 something in the morning. This shit was crazy. secretly, I am so happy that it turned out this way. Trina hated men, and especially men like Marcus, married with women on the side. She has warned me several times about how Marcus and I would end up because of her relationship, but I feel differently about Marcus. although he is still legally married, I feel in my heart that he is mine.
I got upstairs, showered, and in bed, about 10 minutes before Marcus walked in. I pretended as if I had fallen off to sleep. He tapped me on my shoulder and I turned over to see him undressing. He had on the same thing he had on when I had just seen him. He crawled in the bed behind me. I made special attention to his scent. Nope, he was wearing, Kenneth Cole, reaction, one of my favorites on him. There were no lipstick stains, no smell of perfume, just the smell of Hennessy on his breath. After I taken it all in, I allowed him to take me all in. I would ask questions later.

Doing Mr. Wrong While waiting for Mr. Right Chapter 3

One of the national woman radio personalities talks about the man with "that hammer". She also talks about the snacks you buy to keep the man with :the hammer" at home. Well, let me tell you that Marcus, got that HAMMER! We have been going strong for about three months now. He's at my place every night and we have been spending a lot of time together. He has even gotten on the "get healthy" kick with me. Yeah, I quit the Take Shape for Health program, but I have been using the tools that I used to do it on my own. Three months later, I have lost 14 pounds. I know it's not much but I feel different.
Stacy E., the radio lady says, that if you keep the right snacks in the house, the man with the hammer won't have to leave to go nowhere, once he gets home. My pantry and refrigerator are overflowing. Marcus drinks Heineken. I make it a point not to let that bottom shelf get no less than 10 and I am buying another case. I went to Costco, that's how serious that hammer is, to buy shit in bulk. My pantry got all kinds of Cheetos, Bugles, Honey Buns, Double Stuffed Oreos, Salsa, Cheez Wiz, all of that because I don't want him to go no where. However...... Marcus is getting a little fidgety lately. The other night he got up around 10:30 and decided he needed to go check his place. Once he got over there, he was so tir4es, or so he said, that he didn't feel like driving all thhe way back over. Last night, he didn't come over to well after 11. He decided he didn't want to sleep alone. Earlier today he called to say that he waas hanging with the fellas and would probably go straight home. Now I might now be the brightest bulb in the ceiling, but I ain't the dullest either. So now I am forced to become a secret agent.
"Trina, Is eerything planned"?, I asked my homegirl.
" Yeah, Malikah gonna work the room".
"And?"
"And what? If she sees him she will text us and that will be it. But if he is not there, we going
to thehouse. 'Cause I know his ass is up to something".
Katrina West was my girl. She has been my ride or die since high school. She knows everybody in our little town. The West family is a well-known family in the city and she can pretty much get anyone to do anything, just because of her last name. I met Katrina in the 10th grade. When I was taken to Biology class, she waved for me to sit by here and we have been friends every since. We fuss and have our disagreements but she is my girl and will roll with me despite my fucked up life decisions. She is used to cheating men. Her first husband was sort of an arranged marriage. He was a local politicican and she married him for the family's benefit. But he benefitted the most. His connections to their family boosted his career and his coochie access. He damn near had groupies sitting on the steps of city hall waitng on the "pretty boy" commissioner. Trina had to deal with those hoes and paternity allegations at every turn.. When she decided that she couldn't take it anymore, she asked him for a divorce. Lamar had other intentions. He aired dirty laundry about Trina's father's affair with a woman in another state. Her father had another family and sex tapes with his secretary, and two other unknown women. Beacuse of him, Katrina West HATES men. But because of Lamar, she also knows how to look up anything you need to know about someone, break and enter into someones apartment without them knowing, and spy on a man for weeks and he won't even suspect a thing.

We drove through the parking lot of the bar that Marcus claimed he was but didn't see his car.
"I guess he rode with someone else, probably Todd". I laughed nervously, hoping, no praying that that was the case.
"Leslie, I want you to come back to reality", Trina was cold hearted when it came to these matters. "That brother is fucking somebody else".
"Damn, Trina. He has never cheated before, why are you so quick to assume that's what is happening"? I asked defensively.
"Well. if you didn't think he was cheating, why are we here"?
I kept my mouth closed for the rest of the ride to Marcus's house.

This Man- a poem

I have never been the girl to be without a guy. I've always kept one in the hole. I have never been so taken with a man that I gave up everything for him. So why am I crying over this one? He is so not my type. He is a red dude. He has gorgeous light brown eyes and the neatest goatee. He has nice teeth and smile that would make most women melt. He's a sweet talker. A flirt. A charmer. He's as smooth as butter. And shit like that never used to bother me. Back in the day, I would have laughed at him. I wouldn't even have given him the time of day, but this one, this man.......

I shake my head and wonder..What did I do wrong? How did I get caught slipping? Lying here in his arms listening to his heart beat is oh so nice. But it would be even nicer if I knew his heart was beating for me. This once every two weeks thing is not the kind of girl I am. I'm used to being wined an dined. I'm used to having a manwaiting on me to call him. But this one got me hooked. It takes all of my strength not to call him every night. I pray every night for that the Lord will take him from my heart, from my soul, from my spirit, from my smell, my sight, my taste. But it seems as much as I pray for Him to take him away from me, the more I yearn for him.

"Maybe I'm a fool in love", I sing to myself. But why? I have a man that loves me unconditionally, unequivocally. But this man...... I close my eyes an I see his smile. In my dreams I can feel his touch. Hell, I smile just thinking about him. I anxiously await for the few hours I get to see him,whenever I get to see him.

I used to feel guilty. Not amymore. I think God misunderstood my request. My heart doesn't reside at home anymore. It resides inside of that man. I guess this is hard for you to understand but I love this man. My other man. The man on the side. The man who haves me when he wants me. But when he haves me.....it's so worth it. So every minute I get with him it is special. It's just us. No her, no him. Just me and this man.

Doing Mr. Wrong While Waiting for Mr. Right Ch.2

Most women approach men two ways when it comes to sex. Either they want to see what he is working with or they want to show him what she is working with. Marcus was the man that I wanted to show what I was working with. Especially when he was so forward about him being married, I felt the need to go at him hard. I made sure I was always on my "A" game when it came to the bedroom, and everything else. It was IMPERATIVE for me to let him know that I was worth leaving her for.
I knew every inch of Marcus's body. I pulled every trick I knew out of my bag (and some I made up). I had to be extra good because I didn't want him to go back to wifey. I made myself available for him even when it wasn't about sex. I pulled strings for him with some realtor friends of mine when he was looking for condos to buy. When I went to the grocery store, I shopped for myself and him. When there was an event he needed to attend, I made sure he was always looking his best because although not to many people knew about us, he still represented me. We wined and dined in the nicest of restaurants. We went to plays, the movies, concerts, and other gatherings. The fact that we did them in other cities or counties didn't matter to me. All that mattered that was I was with Marcus and Marcus was with me. But now as I sit here and think about it, I was starting to get tired of not being able to take him to my family dinner and him not being able to come to church with me. Even after his ex wife moved to the northern part of the state, Marcus was still unwilling to make our relationship open. "Everything is still not final yet, baby", was always his excuse. Well how long does it take to get a fucking divorce? Now I know. It was never in the making.
It has been two months since our little car crash. Because I felt guilty, I made arrangements to have his car repaired. We have not seen each other we have talked and argued and cursed each other out. In one phone call I have been his bitch and his whore and in the next he can't breathe without. This shit is driving me crazy. It has been like this for two months. I have been tempted so many nights to ride over to his place and apologize ten I get made everytime I even think about the pictures on facebook. Although he knows that I can see his wife's page he still three weeks ago wrote her a beautiful message on their wedding anniversary. She in turn, wrote him a message that made me want to cry. With all this confusion and uproar and mixed emotions, why am I sitting in Shooters, one of our spots, to meet him and talk?
Don't judge me damnit! I'm weak for him. His smile, his cologne, his touch..... Let me stop before I get all hot and bothered. I promised myself that I was going to be strong. I am only here to talk. Only one hug when he gets here and one when we leave. And we will leave separately! To keep myself busy I start playing a game on my phone. I look up just in time to see Marcus walk in. He has on my favorite jeans, a green and white button down shirt with the white V-neck vest. His two carat diamond earrings are sparkling in his ears against his beautiful black skin. As he approaches me I spin around on my bar stool to get a better look. Damn! Without saying a word, he lifts me from the seat and gives me a hug and softly kisses my neck. I close my eyes and take in his scent as he holds me tightly. I can stay like this all night. I think I will.