LL Ch.4

By the end of the evening, Jayla HATED me. When we started with dessert, I ate my sweet potato pie so seductively that D had no other choice but to watch with his mouth hanging open. I also fed him a little bit of my pie. She was livid. I was lovin it.



We played a few rounds of spades. Guess who was my partner? You guessed. It was D. We high fived, giggled, and made eyes at each other the entire time. D was much more interested in me than her, and she finally couldn't take it anymore.



"Deandre, I'm ready to go. I have a busy day tomorrow." Jayla said as she gathered her purse and coat.

"Okay baby, we almost done with this hand".

"Well, can I at least speak to you outside"? She sounded so sad, I almost felt sorry for the slutbucket.



I took that opportunity to freshen up my lips while D was outside entertaining his little tramp.



After about five minutes, D stormed back in. "Ah, let's speed this up so that I can take my lady home".

I was so proud of myself that I let out a little giggle.
"Chill out Ke-Ke", Deandre said with an attitude.
"What"?
"You know what. Just chill. Damn." Deandre gave me a look. I knew he was mad but oh well.
We finished our last hand and D and Jayla left. I stayed around for about an hour more because that was just about as long as I could stomach my dad.

"This is a family occasion. Why do you have to dress like that, with all of your breast hanging out?"
"I dress like this when I go out, besides I'm grown". My blood pressure is already starting to rise.

"It's just disrespectful and embarrassing". My dad and I have not talked for about two years. After my mama died, things were all good. I stayed at the house with him, and took care of things for him. After about three months, he started making comments about him needing his space, etc. What was really going on was that he had found a girlfriend. He knew that me and my sister would trip, so he never mentioned it. He started going out and staying out a lot more. One night my sister followed him and he was at the same woman whom my mama said on her death bed that he was messing with.
When she said that she suspected him of messing with Jessica Brown, a member at our family church, we all thought she was crazy. She wasn't too crazy. When I approached him with it, he acted so nonchalantly about it that I wanted to slap him. "I need someone, too". he said.

Don't get me wrong, I agree that he should have a companion but my mama wasn't even dead three months and you with someone else. Hell Nall!!!!! I moved out of his house that next weekend. We have nothing to say to one another, so I don't know why he is sweating me about my dress code.

"I wasn't trying to disrespect anyone and if I did, I apologize. And if I embarrassed anyone, oh well, this is me, take it or leave it"!

I gathered my to go containers and bid my good nights to everyone and left.
On my way home, the high that I had from messing with Jayla quickly coming down. All of a sudden, I got a sick feeling in my stomach. I was going home alone.

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My evangelist wasn't on when I got home. I organized my belongings and put everything together at the door for my trip. Our flight didn't leave until 11:00 a.m. so I could sleep in. Just as I figured Kelton texted me at 11:30 at night to tell me "Merry Christmas". "Hell Christmas is almost over". I didn't even respond to his text. I had drifted off to sleep when I realized that someone was banging on my door.

I got up and walked to the door. I looked out the peephole.
I really don't believe this.
I opened the door and Deandre's sexy ass was standing there, looking good enough to eat.

LL Ch. 3

It's Christmas morning. I didn't even make it to my bedroom, I feel asleep out on the couch. I was able to accomplish a lot yesterday. I picked up a few gifts for my family, in case I go there today. I got a mani-pedi, got my hair done, and got new luggage. I also have packed for tomorrow. I decided I would wear a combination of colors. I packed a black and a blue suit, of course. I also packed a red suit,(my power color), a mustard suit, a sexy black dress(just in case), and a multi-colored sequins dress, if we go out to party.



My evangelist isn't on this morning because of some stupid holiday parade. It's okay. They usually run what they had played the nigjt efore in the mornings anyway. I need that double- dose because this life of mine is in ruins. I take out my love letter. It still jsut has Dear God, written on it, but I feel like I need to add something to it today. I find my pencil and begin to write,

"Thank You for life, health, and strength. I thank You for my career and the doors of opportunity that You have opened for me. I thank You for your son, Jesus, because that's what Christmas is all about."



Writer's block has kicked in again. This is horrible. I feel like I should talk about the weather or the family or something else before I just start blurting out what I want and need. I put my letter down and walk out on my balcony. I didn't realize thatit was 8:30 in the morning. The day is actually very beautiful It's not too hot and not too cold. The kids are outside enjoying their Christmas toys.



The community I live in is relatively new. In fact, there are several lots that have not even been sold yet. I got in early. If I never have anything else, at least I have a home. The community is made up of young, up and coming families. Late 20's to early 50's is the age of the families, middle class, mostly African Americans. As I stand on my balcony, one of the ladies waves. I wave back. I wonder if I will ever have my own kids,my own husband, my own family?



I have gotten several text messages from colleagues, sorority sisters, family, and friends wishing me a Merry Christmas. But it's not merry for me. Besides, no one that I want to text or call me has. Troy doesn't know how to get in contact with me and even if he did, he probably wouldn't anyway. Kelton has his own family. This dude James, will probably text or call, but only because I am friends with his family. When we were kicking it, I spent more time with his mama, sisters, and aunts, than I did with him. Lamar, Farmer, Adrian, or Nick will not call or text. Dogs!

I spend the rest of my afternoon to go be the third wheel at my sister's again. Because I know her husband, Calvin, I know there will be some man there for me. Not necessarily for me to be with, but to make me feel better about being there with no companion. That's why whenever I go to their house, I always look my best or at least decent enough, because I know Calvin has a friend lurking somewhere.

The thing is that I have screwed most of his friends already. As I pull up to their house I spot Deandre's car, my friend for the day. I don't mind this friend tough. D and I have this sexual chemistry. We flirt and play with each other but it has never gone more than that. Ok. Ok. except this one time when we had phone sex, but that was it.

I check myself in the mirror, because tonight could be D's lucky night, before I walk into the house. I greet everyone and hand the gifts to each respective person. I notice my dad is here, but he doesn't move to greet me. D came over and gave me a hug and a kiss on my neck, that only he and I know htat we shared, and I give him an extra long hug. Then he turns around and says, "Ke-Ke, I want you to meet my friend, Jayla", while he has his hand in the small of my back.
WTF!
"Hey, girl. How are you? I'm Keona, Ke- Ke, as my friends and family call me", I say with the biggest smile.
I sit at the table next to D. Jayla is on his left and I am on his right. He keeps rubbing his leg against mine. Every now and then I rub my hand across his thigh under the table. I think that Jayla can sense th sexual tension between D and I becuase every time he says anything to me, she redirects is attention towards her, It's all good. If girlfriend wants to play games, then it's on and popping!

LL Ch. 2

It has been three days since I started my love letter. All I have written is Dear God,. I know that that is sad but I haven't talked to God much lately. Besides my depression, I went back to work and I'm dealing with my mom's death. Three years tomorrow. I feel overwhelmed.

The only good thing from this depression is the fact that I have become addicted to this evangelist lady. I run home every night to make sure I don't miss her program. She tells it like it is. She told me to be specific in my letter to God regarding what I wanted in a husband.
Uh! Duh! Obviously I don't know what to pick because every man that I have had has either been someone else's or a loser in some shape, form, or fashion. Which is another reason that my letter is still sitting on the coffee table with only those two words.

"Lamons, I need you in my office", the stern voice ordered. I have been in such a daze that I had forgotten that I was even at work, except for the lingering smell of coffee and Kameka laughing loudly, ever so often at something on facebook.

"What does he want? " I get up from my office chair and pull down my skirt. I have been wearing all black, blue, and gray suits because of my mood. This should let everyone know not to fuck, excuse me, fool with me, (that evangelist is really getting in my head), obviously he didn't get the memo.

I flash my million dollar smile as I briskly walk into Mr. Dawes' office. "Yes sir?", I ask enthusiastically. Not that I really care about what he is about to say.

"I need you to accompany me to the New York area for a business meeting next weekend. You will have your room and you will need to be prepared to work at least three meetings. I will give you the information that you will need for the trip as soon as I get it".
I was standing there just looking at him, I guess I looked stupid to him.
"Do you have any questions? Is there something you don't understand"?
"Uh. I'm fine. I will take care of the arrangements and get back to you as soon as they are done. Thank you, Mr. Dawes."

"Hell Yeah"! I said to myself. He picked me. At east now I had one thing to pick my spirits up during the holidays. Of all of the other personal assistants in our business, the boss picked me, Keona Victoria Lamons, to accompany him to New York.
Oh My God!!! What am I going to wear? I have never been to New York before. I need to call Ashley asap for a hair appointment. I guess I will wear a natural nail color on my nails so the New Yorkers won't think I'm too ghetto with purple or pink nail polish. New luggage. I've got to go to Macy's tonight.
"Focus Keona". I take a deep breath and try to organize my thoughts. I take out a sheet of paper and try to write down everything that I need to do before next weekend. My mind is running everywhere. Weave or natural hair? Basic black and blues or color suits? Should I go to the spa or wait until I get in New York?
This is why I can't finish my love letter . I definitely have adult ADD.

Love Letter

I'm laying in my bed rocking myself to sleep. I'm not sleepy just depressed. This is the first holiday that I will be without a significant other, a boyfriend, a fucking partner. Nothing. I feel empty inside. I don't even have just a friend to talk to. My sister wants me to go to a party with her and her husband. Again I will be the third wheel. I would rather just lie here and cry.

A friend of mine told me that she had gotten so lonely one time that she took a half bottle of sleeping pills to try to kill herself. Luckily her dad found her and they were able to pump her stomach at the hospital. She is a totally different person now. I'm not quite at that point, but I'm easing there slowly but surely.

Of all the men that I have had in my life, most of them have been other women's men or they just wanted me for what they could get from me, whether it was money, my car, a place to stay, or sex. But I woke up a few weeks ago and decided that I didn't want that anymore. For years, when I was lonely I had a plethora of men's numbers that I could call and they would come and give me the fix that I needed. Yes. Sex was like a drug to me. When I was happy, I had sex, when I was sad, I had sex. Sex was my comfort blanket. In my mind, I thought that that was all I needed to be okay in life. I had a career, a home, a car. I didn't need a relationship. If I could just keep a man around for when I needed him, I would be fine. I would use them, like they used me. But that Saturday morning, at 4:00 a.m. when I slipped out of the bed with Troy, I knew that I wanted something more. No! I needed something more.

Troy is an excellent lover. We can go at it for hours at a time. The problem I have with that is that is all it is. I have no way of contacting Troy. We usually hang out at the same club on Friday nights. We started about 4 months ago. We had some small talk on that first night, we got a room, and the rest is history. Troy became my Friday night fuck. I know nothing about him except that he drives trucks. Our rule is we don't talk about anything personal. So basically, he gives me a signal, I meet him outside and we end up wherever we end up for that Friday night. I usually leave before he awakes and see him the next Friday.

I haven't gone out for the last two weeks. I've spent most of my time clutching my pillow and praying to the Lord to take this feeling away from me. I don't even know if it's pain, but it's a feeling. A feeling like I am just empty. I don't have any energy. I don't want to go anywhere or be around anyone. During my depression, I have taken steps to get rid of the losers in my life. I have deleted most of their numbers from my phone. The sad part is that no one of importance has even called. No one has left messages or textd me to find out where I am or how I was doing. Not even, Kelton.

Kelton was my married friend. He was my main man. I was on the verge of letting all of my friends go for him. He never said he was going to leave his wife and he made me no promises, but I thought that I knew he loved me. He told me that if he had met me before her, he wold have married me. I believed him because Kelton treated me very well. He left a check every month for my bills. He pampered me with gifts galore and I didn't even care that when we went out, we had to go to the next county. I was with Kelton and he was my man. He always textd me with sweet sayings and telling me how much he loved me. No. How much love he had for me. Him loving me was my interpretation. But since have been missing in action, I have heard from him.

So, as the television plays and I listen to this evangelist tell me to ask God for what I want, I decide to do just that. Oh My God! I need to shower but this is of utmost importance. She said that when she was looking for a husband, she wrote a detailed letter to God about the kind of man she was looking for. I grabbed a writing pd from my nightstand and a pencil and I started my love letter to God. Dear God,...........

Untitled Chapter 2

Damn. Carlisha looks so damn good in those jeans. They hugging those hips just right. She smelt so good when I hugged her I didn't want to let go. She was wearing that coconut lime spray that I like. Just sitting here talking to her my dick is so hard.
"Damn baby. You look so good. I'm glad that you came to see me." I couldn't stop smiling.
She didn't talk much. I think she is embarrassed to be here but I needed her to be here.

I know that I fucked up, but I did it all for her. When I met Carlisha she was working at a retail store selling baby clothes. When I spotted her I knew I was going to hit that. By the way she catered to me when I was buying the stroller for my sister's baby shower, I knew she would be a great lover. I wasn't wrong. Matter of fact, she blew my mind. She put it on me big time. I've been hooked ever since. That's why I did what I did. I wanted Carlisha to have the best of everything. Yeah, I was the shit in my office. The only brother in the Accounting department. Although I was making the good bucks, I wasn't making enough to give Carlisha what I wanted her to have.
She had a "hood" mentality. She hadn't been anywhere or seen anything, so I wanted to expose her to the finer things. I bought her a new car, moved her out of her mama's house, and took anywhere she wanted to go. She deserved that. She was my lady. Keon only dealt with the classiest ladies, so I had to upgrade her in order for her to be with me.

"Make sure you go by mama's house. She's gonna give you a few dollars for your pocket. How are you doing?"
I'm not stupid by a long shot. I made sure my mama stashed sime money for me. I knew that something like this could happen, so I have an account in my dad's bame that my mama put a few hundred thousand for me. I love Carlisha but I couldn't ket her now that, because I couldn't afford to let her walk away with my money. Then I would have to kill her. I know this is hard for her, but if she holds out and stands by me, she will definitely reap the benefits.

I'm sitting across this smug motherfucker and I just want to slap the shit out of him. He's so smiling so hard, showing all of those tacky ass gold teeth. What the fuck was he thinking?
I used to think Keon was the deal. He had given me so much. We took all types of trips. Bahamas, Aruba, Mexico, the Poconos, just name it, we've been there. He upgraded me. I can definitely say that. I went from a Honda Civic to a BMW. I was moved from my apartment in "da hood", as he called it, to a gated apartment complex. He tod me that I needed to be exposed to the finer things of life.
We spent hours upon hours shopping. He stayed fresh to death, on all occasions. Hell, sometimes, he was cleaner than me. I loved when we rolled in his Navigator. I thought I was the shit when I was with him. We attended company parties and I thought that I was rather lucky to be on the arm of the VP of Accounting for Transform Insurance Company. Keon was the youngest, and only African American male, in that department. All the other black males were in Sales, but not my man.
Now look at the bastard. Sitting there in an orange jumpsuit, talking to me through glass two inches thick, though a freaking telephone receiver. Hilarious!
"I miss you, too", I smile and blow a kiss at him. I really want to punch him in his SHIT! While he is going on and on about his daily life at Blades federal Correctional Institute, I'm mad as hell because I have had to move back home with my mama, pick up another shift at my job, and go to getting my hair and nails done every two weeks, instead of weekly. And I had spent $50.00 to fill my car up with gas to come and see his ass. I AM NOT a happy camper.

At what point in my life will I finally get it together? Here I am preparing for yet another date with another married or otherwise taken man. I have to admit, it's been five months since the last loser and I really need to be with this man. Do you know how you can just tell that something is good? That's how I feel about this one.
He has big broad shoulders,big hands and feet, dark chocolate skin, and his touch..... whew!! I get moist whenever he even touches my hand so imagine what will happen if he lays me out on the bed and explores my body.
No. he is not the most educated man, but I'm not picky like my friend Sonya. She has certain requirements of her men. They have to have their own house, their own car, make over $65,000 a year, and have no children or grown children. She tells her dates right from day one that she is looking for a man to take care of her.
Sonya is a nurse so she doesn't need a man to take care of her, but she has been a single mother for 21 years. She feels that she has the right to be taken care of and pampered. Hell, I ain't mad at her. I want that too, but when I'm lonely, I just want SOMEONE.

Although I don't have the same standards as Sonya, I do have some things that will piss me off, like this bastard being late. I also hate when they have their phones on and it won't stop ringing and they act like they don't even hear the fucking phone, when everyone is the restaurant can. Then when we have conversation, they talk about their wife or their girlfriend. Sometimes I am curious and may ask a question or two about their significant other but I don't like it when they decide to go on and on or keep bringing them up.

I also don't like when they tell me that their relationship is on the rocks or they are no longer together crap. First of all, they are probably lieing. Second, even they are on the rocks, it doesn't matter to me anyway, so there is no need to pretend. Yes, I want my own man but until I find him, I sample other people's man.

The bell finally rings. Now I have to reapply my body mist and my lipstick because I have been sitting around waiting for some dude, who will probably have some lame ass excuse.
"Coming"! I yell. I can't wait until later tonight when those words will have more meaning. I step into the mist that I sprayed into the air. Tonight felt like a pineapple night, so that's the fragrance that I chose. I reapplied my lipgloss, checked my hair, and readjusted my "girls" in my very low cut wraparound dress that I was wearing. I looked damn good, if I say so myself.
I opened the door to that gorgeous smile and had to step back. Not only did the brotha look good as hell, he smelled good as hell, too.
Tim was dressed in brown slacks with a pink shirt,(not every brotha can pull that off), with a brown and pink tie. He gave me a hug and I didn't want to let go.
"These are for you, beautiful." He threw that dazzling smile on me and the lame excuse that he did give me about having a late meeting, yadda yadda, was irrelevant.
"I have reservations at Copeland's for us. I hope that's okay with you?"
"That's one of my favorite places. I love Copeland's. I can eat just the cheesecake." We both laughed. I was serious, though. Copeland's Cookie Dough Cheesescake was the deal!
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Our dinner and walk throuh Atlantic Station was nice. I liked being wrapped in Tim's arms. It felt good to be romanced him. However, I was not going to let my guard down. Besides, I haven't had any of his goods yet. Sex was important to me. That's why I screwed my men wothin the first week, the first month no later, to make sure that I wasn't wasting time on a man that couldn't satisfy me.
We drove to Tim's apartment in Tim's Nissan Altima. You could tell it was a bachelor's pad. His fashion sense was totally male persuaded. Everything was black or brown, absolutely no color. He had a king sized bed, which made me happy. We didn't bother with the chit chat, we got right down to business. Have you ever seen one of those movies when the couple starts ripping each other's clothes off as soon as they get in the door? That was us. I thought he was going to fuck me on the wall. Which may have been nice?.

It started off awkward at first, but once we got in our groove, it was pretty good. He was a "just right" guy. He was not small but not too big. He was just right. At least I could feel him. The last guy I was with I damn near fell asleep on him because I didn't know whether he was in it or not.
Tim lasted longer than I expected. A plus for him. The next round I took control. I was riding him like a cowgirl. I could feel every inch of him. We were both so caught up in the moment. My head was thrown back and my eyes were closed and I could feel him tense up. He was about to explode.
"Hell yeah!" I yelled.
"Yes baby! I'm about to cum!, he yelled.
"Oh shit, Javon! I yelled. Before I even got it out of my mouth, I knew that I had fucked up.