Love Letter

I'm laying in my bed rocking myself to sleep. I'm not sleepy just depressed. This is the first holiday that I will be without a significant other, a boyfriend, a fucking partner. Nothing. I feel empty inside. I don't even have just a friend to talk to. My sister wants me to go to a party with her and her husband. Again I will be the third wheel. I would rather just lie here and cry.

A friend of mine told me that she had gotten so lonely one time that she took a half bottle of sleeping pills to try to kill herself. Luckily her dad found her and they were able to pump her stomach at the hospital. She is a totally different person now. I'm not quite at that point, but I'm easing there slowly but surely.

Of all the men that I have had in my life, most of them have been other women's men or they just wanted me for what they could get from me, whether it was money, my car, a place to stay, or sex. But I woke up a few weeks ago and decided that I didn't want that anymore. For years, when I was lonely I had a plethora of men's numbers that I could call and they would come and give me the fix that I needed. Yes. Sex was like a drug to me. When I was happy, I had sex, when I was sad, I had sex. Sex was my comfort blanket. In my mind, I thought that that was all I needed to be okay in life. I had a career, a home, a car. I didn't need a relationship. If I could just keep a man around for when I needed him, I would be fine. I would use them, like they used me. But that Saturday morning, at 4:00 a.m. when I slipped out of the bed with Troy, I knew that I wanted something more. No! I needed something more.

Troy is an excellent lover. We can go at it for hours at a time. The problem I have with that is that is all it is. I have no way of contacting Troy. We usually hang out at the same club on Friday nights. We started about 4 months ago. We had some small talk on that first night, we got a room, and the rest is history. Troy became my Friday night fuck. I know nothing about him except that he drives trucks. Our rule is we don't talk about anything personal. So basically, he gives me a signal, I meet him outside and we end up wherever we end up for that Friday night. I usually leave before he awakes and see him the next Friday.

I haven't gone out for the last two weeks. I've spent most of my time clutching my pillow and praying to the Lord to take this feeling away from me. I don't even know if it's pain, but it's a feeling. A feeling like I am just empty. I don't have any energy. I don't want to go anywhere or be around anyone. During my depression, I have taken steps to get rid of the losers in my life. I have deleted most of their numbers from my phone. The sad part is that no one of importance has even called. No one has left messages or textd me to find out where I am or how I was doing. Not even, Kelton.

Kelton was my married friend. He was my main man. I was on the verge of letting all of my friends go for him. He never said he was going to leave his wife and he made me no promises, but I thought that I knew he loved me. He told me that if he had met me before her, he wold have married me. I believed him because Kelton treated me very well. He left a check every month for my bills. He pampered me with gifts galore and I didn't even care that when we went out, we had to go to the next county. I was with Kelton and he was my man. He always textd me with sweet sayings and telling me how much he loved me. No. How much love he had for me. Him loving me was my interpretation. But since have been missing in action, I have heard from him.

So, as the television plays and I listen to this evangelist tell me to ask God for what I want, I decide to do just that. Oh My God! I need to shower but this is of utmost importance. She said that when she was looking for a husband, she wrote a detailed letter to God about the kind of man she was looking for. I grabbed a writing pd from my nightstand and a pencil and I started my love letter to God. Dear God,...........